NaturesBitch

I've met someone.  Gasp.  I have absolutely no idea how it happened, why it happened when it happened, or what caused me to actually agree to phone him.... OKCupid was actually turning out to be a complete waste of my time, and then all of a sudden BAM!

J, the man in question, is a little older than me, lives about 20 miles away, which is nothing really, and works at the local uni.  He's been single for awhile now for fairly similar reasons to myself, is someone who makes me laugh a great deal, which to me is very important.  More than anything, he seems to understand me, my lifestyle, my way of thinking and my motivation to not give up on love, no matter how shitty the past year or so has been.  Plus he's GORGEOUS looking.  Which helps .. hehe.

We've been chatting by phone for a few days now, in fact it is at the point where we are phoning each other all day and night long.  The text messages are flying back and forth, we've even brought our date forward which is actually now this next coming weekend... Neither of us have plans for New Year, I'm contemplating just biting the bullet and asking him over.  I'm am falling head over heels...

I find it slightly saddening that the main reaction to this news from my friends and family is, be very wary, don't get carried away, don't fall for the guy.  How the heck am I supposed to have a meaningful relationship if I am supposed to do all these things?!!  I believe in doing what feels right, this feels very very right in a big scary way.  No-one knows what the future holds, this is true, but if I never take a chance at love again for fear of failiure or him being some kind of wierdo, how will I ever trust a man fully again.

This man has taken the time to listen to me, to let me listen to him, to let me ramble on about things for hours on end.  I have never managed to be good on the phone, I've never spent hours and hours on the phone at a time, day after day.  I've never felt this compatible with anyone to this extent.

At what point do I s'top being cautious and worrying myself sick about possible problems that may or may not exist.  At what point do I let myself love again, without fear or doubt?

X N B X

Well I have come to the conclusion that the men I have been with in my past haven't really been worth their salt.  Do you think it is true that some people are destined never to find "The One" or for some reason lose them for some reason beyond their control, never to meet anyone else who compares?  I wonder.. I've had a few chats with people online in the past few weeks, mainly through OKCupid, but there always seems to be something I am really hesitant about.  I'm not sure exactly what it is, whether it is simply that I'm not ready for anything else, whether it is just nerves from not having dated in a LONG time.

Someone wrote me a post recently, thanks by the way, saying  that I needed to get to a place where I didn't need a relationship.  I don't think I actually need a relationship, it has to be said.  I think I just genuinely want to be happy as part of a union, it is no fun raising your children alone, and although I am only in my 30's it surprises me just how difficult it is to find a man who isn't bruised by his past relationships or life, or is basically so independent that it is difficult to fit in with his hectic life.

I don't NEED a man, I think what I need is to see that there are possibilities for a happy future as part of a couple, I don't want to end up being that sad old woman hobbling about in years to come obviously totally insane, lonely and with no-one to talk to, share intimate moments with.

I think the fact that my ex and I lost the loving feeling a few years back makes me feel that it is about time I had some fun, I don't think I'm a very good "dater", although obviously it's going to take a lot of time to find someone I would eventually like to settle down with, but I do want to feel that any relationship I have is more than a few crappy dates and sex on the side.  I also intend to keep the kids away from prospective partners until I am absolutely sure that they are the one I want to be around.

I love living on my own actually, I love my own space, I think I would find it very hard to live with anyone again in the foreseeable future, but you never know, do you?  I love my independence, I miss company, and adult conversation that doesn't involve the internet or children.  I also miss the physical side of things, although to me that is less important than the rest.

Basically I'd just like to be happy - everyone has their faults but my ex partners seem to be akin to something of a train wreck!

Anyway, enough musings, it's Christmas Eve and I am trying not to get too depressed at the prospect of future Christmases as a single parent.

XN BX

Dear B,

I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Do you realize that you're a total loser? I can't believe how selfish you are. Relationships are supposed to be about sharing, jerk. Your arrogance seems to have no limits; it's as if you think you're actually somebody. I called the nursery school program, and they agreed to let you in after they assessed your maturity level. You know, a little respect can go a long way. But the amount of respect you give me is only enough for ME to go a long way. A long way away from you, douchebag. And another thing: take a freakin shower! You smell so bad that the garbage collectors wonder what the smell is when they come down the street. I'm fed up with kissing an ashtray and seeing you waste your money on cancer sticks every day. It's disgusting. Why do you have to be so messy? How hard is it to put your dirty underwear in the laundry machine and wash a few dishes now and again? Frankly, you just don't care enough about me. Luckily I care enough about me to make up for it, by saying goodbye to you. Here's some food for thought: you're an asshole! It's not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit. I also really need more space, I don't like feeling like an elephant in a telephone booth. I hope you understand. The wise Righteous Brothers wrote a song called "You've lost that lovin' feeling." You might want to listen to it a few times, because I've lost that loving feeling.

Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a wedding ring. You're like cling wrap around me, but what you need to realize is that I am not a vegetable and your clinginess is unbearable. And as if that wasn't enough, you have to criticize me all the time! Now it's my turn to be the critic. I give you one thumb up: stick it up your ass! At first I couldn't understand what smelled so bad when I spent time with you, but now it's clear: you're spoiled like a piece of meat left out in the sun. You don't live in a soap opera, so quit causing so much drama. Another problem is that you're irresponsible, and I just don't want to put up with the consequences of your decisions anymore.

Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. You're more like a sibling to me, you know? It may be a typical line, but it's true: we just aren't meant for each other. I may love you, but I'm definitely not in love with you. You're gonna have to learn to accept that. Why are you so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I'm not sure whether we can see each other again in the future but, for now at least, I definitely need my own space. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.

I hope maggots devour your testicles,
Kerry

Well I am finally getting my shit together.  B left a couple of nights ago after seeing his daughter this weekend, I think slightly disgruntled that we hadn't ended up having sex.  Oh deary me.

I have come to the very definite conclusion that I want no part in this any longer.  Having had a few to drink is no excuse for jumping into bed with your ex, no matter how needy or daft you are feeling at the time. 

Non-committal is B's favourite pastime right now.  Non-committal and sarcasm along with a slight hint of male twatishness seem to be top of the list, along with the general ideal that he is indispensable.  Oh but, wait, I did tell him he was a bastard, why should he be interested in me when I keep " having a go at him".  Ha, fucking, HA.

I decided a couple of months back to have a go at OK Cupid, out of sheer curiosity it has to be said.  God what a bunch of freaks I came across, either sixty pretending to be forty, or looking like something out of Retards Anonymous.  I might be single, but there are limits... I draw the line at Shrek lookalikes... and actually I think I've decided I don't need to just go for the ugly ones, I have standards these days LMAO.

Anyway, finally a while ago I thought I'd found myself someone nice, he was 39, loads of cash, had a house, horses, seemed like a really nice guy.  Anyway, he was coming back at Christmas and promised to ring me for our first date.  HEHE.  Yeah, right.  I think the idea is that I sit at home waiting for him to call me.  I don't think so, people.

So last night, I had one last go.  I posted a journal entry up saying where are all the decent ones, and got a message back from a guy fairly close to me.  He seems great, very easy going, a son, into various things that I could and would like to try out.... I think I could actually meet this guy, and get to know him better. 

Who knows eh?  Maybe I'll find out in a few months that I can actually cope with the male of the species and they are not all a bunch of wankers.... watch this space.

X NB X

Natures Bitch

B

Today is the 4th December.  I am sitting here on the sofa with my laptop, my daughter is off nursery as she is not feeling well.  Realisation is dawning.  I don't NEED a man, I don't NEED a relationship. actually what I do need is already here, my children, who I love, my animals and my friends, who have been fantastic over the past few months.

To set the mood, I suppose it might be an idea to mention what has been happening to me over the past few years.  This could take a while.....

Basically I had been in a very rocky relationship with someone for about 5 years.  This person was someone who I was in sixth form college with.  At this time, we were both about 17 years old, both very naiive, both very "gothic" I guess you could say, although I think this was something that I did and B. tagged along because it looked cool.  It was particularly difficult for him to look like a cool goth with red hair and glasses, and a mum who bought all his clothes from Marks and Spencers.  We were known as the annoying couple, constantly all over each other, although I have to admit sometimes this became suffocating for me.

Anyway, I was having a rough time at home (more about that later) and decided to leave sixth form.  B and I split up shortly after that and I moved on to new things, and a new life away from home.  B went off to University, by this time it had been made perfectly clear that this is what was happening and I had no part in his future, although we were engaged at the time. 

I moved on, moved around a fair bit, and eventually married someone with a good career, someone "stable" as my parents were so keen to point out was essential.  "Don't worry about the looks, it's the stability that matters."  Needless to say this guy looked like a toad and was about as responsive during our marriage.  We became divorced a year or so later.

At this point I decided I wanted to be as far away from him as possible.  He was a complete idiot and wanted full custody of my son.  After 6 custody cases, I won again, and moved my son up to Morecambe where I was living.  We were happy and settled, I was single and had my own house. 

Then out of the blue, I met B again through Friends Reunited.  What a mistake this was, and would be for the next few years.  Of course at this point in his life, B had been to University, qualified, and got himself a job, and looked fairly stable.  I'd always known he'd been a little insecure, but I suppose I thought that would have changed with age.  HELL, was I wrong.

During one of our first conversations he told me about University, how depressed he had been when we split up, and this had caused him to try to kill himself by climing onto Clifton suspension bridge and trying to top himself.  Rather than me recoiling in horror, and thinking omg what a complete nutcase, I decided it was probably my fault, and felt sorry for him.

Needless to say at this point I wasn't using my brain, and we ended up getting back together and moving south as B had a job there and I did not.  I didn't actually WANT to move south, but  there was "no other option".  So I begrudgingly moved back to the place I grew up in that I hated, the people are basically two faced back stabbing bastards, who don't care about anyone but themselves, and occupy themselves by ruining other people's lives.

One year went by.  My son was getting older and I really wanted to have children before there was too much of an age gap.  The first year was relatively hell free, and I thought that this was going to be a great future, no financial worries, etc etc.  I became pregnant the following year, and although my daughter had complications with her health, she was born in September.  Oh, how that changed everything.

Now I had to deal with three children.  B decided it would be "better" if he stayed at work for longer hours, leaving at 5.30 or 6.00 in the morning for a 9.00 - 5.00 job and often not returning home until 7.00 or 8.00.  Of course, this was all for the benefit of the family, although he actually didn't get paid any overtime whatsoever.  He decided that he'd let me have a lie in on a Saturday morning, and get up Friday and Saturday night if A needed anything.  Actually in all truth he lay in bed and let me deal with everything, and of course, he really was asleep. Hmmm.

Then came the jealousy.  I was spending more time with A and R than I was with him.  He became really annoyed with this and started to pick fights with my son, my son was not his biologically and this always caused issues.  A became his little star and R became nothing but an inconvenience to him.

As A grew up it became clearer to me that I wasn't "performing" in the way he would like in the bedroom.  Maybe this was because he was becoming more and more like a child, and I had no urge to sleep with him, especially not during his childish tantrums.  A classic moment involved me asking him to hoover downstairs, what followed was the most ridiculous strop I have ever seen and at this point I did think, what the hell am I doing?  B had let me read his diary, part of which contained the following, " I am worried that after Anna is born, she will no longer want sex with me.  I don't know if I can cope with that."

As B became more and more withdrawn, the selfishness increased to epic proportions.  the moodswings more horrendous, and the help non-existent.  Yes, he had depression and in his infinite wisdom decided that he didn't need help, or rather only help from his female private counsellor who cost a fortune, was absolutely useless and who he had a major crush on.  She was his "best friend" through all the problems I caused him.

As the years dragged on and I was too worried to go it alone (don't do it, girls!), the bank account became neglected, at this point I decided to hell with everything and spent whatever was needed on the kids and the house, etc.  Bills were not paid, we were threatened with court action and we had a couple of threatening incidents where money was not returned to us and I dealt with this while B stood in the background and watched the ensueing feud.  Less and less was done for the children, while B decided the best course of action would be to engross himself in online gaming , for example Neverwinter Shites and OGame (a space simulation).  This led to every evening being spent playing immaginary games, and became more important than his children, who when requested a drink or food, were ignored.

At this point I hated his guts, and actually still do in some ways because of his lack of responsibility towards his family and towards me. 

The final straw came when I found out that he had been taking our dog out for a walk, leaving my three year old daughter in front of the television, while I slept upstairs.  He was fearful of waking me up, alledgedly.

When I finally did end this relationship, B seemed somewhat puzzled as to how bad things were, in fact I believe he felt that all would be forgiven.  While he was having a nice study break in Wales, I packed all of his belongings for him, and dumped them on the bedroom floor.  When he returned I showed him said pile of clothes and asked for them to be removed.  B went to stay at his sister's house, and has not returned to live with me, thank fuck.

Needless to say he refused to clear out the rest of his stuff so I threatened to set fire to it or take an axe to all of it, and my garage is now empty of his things.  Now all I need is for him to get his finances in order (he has no money on a twenty five grand a year job), and pay me some bloody maintenance.

To top it all, his theory after leaving was for us to have a social drink while at my house when he had come to see the kids, get drunk, and us end up in bed together at the weekends.  This did happen, well we all need sex sometimes don't we, then the following morning he would leave.  Hmmm.... Well I got my shit together and put a big stop to that.  I don't fucking think so.

Well as they say, that's all folks.  I now live in the family home with my son, daughter and six animals.  I will NEVER get involved with a self centred selfish bastard who's only concern is his own entertainment and enjoyment ever again.  Someone who puts a pathetic computer game in front of his own children's needs obviously needs to get some help.  The moral - Don't get involved with needy men.  Give them a hearty slap instead...

X NB X

Well I suppose it was about time I started a real blog, although after reading through many others I am hoping I can offer some content that will prove to be a little less mundane and a bit more inspirational.  I'm going through a lot right now, recently separated after 5 years, I have 2 children and 6 animals.  I am knackered. I am also completely at a loss as to how I put up with the shit from my ex for so long.

Anyway, I'm sure there will be a ton of tumultuous posts, and probably more than an ounce of two of misery, depression and complete and utter anger.  That, my friends, is where I am in my life right now, bitter and twisted and angry.  Hold on for a rocky ride, the bitch is back and there's no mercy.

x NB x